I’ve been away; a very, very long way. The other side of death and back. I wanted to stay but something pulled me back. It’s not a simple thing, going all that way and coming back. It changes you. Everything is different. You’re something else and the shadow of what was no longer fits. You’re all out of place, all out of synch; the space you held usurped. That place is gone but you wouldn’t fit it anyway, not anymore. Changing, evolving, shape-shifting through this crazy game within a game, no, you must create another place for yourself.
Again and again I’ve done it, each time there’s something of the same and something different, something more. Each time I go further, each time it’s harder to come back; its hold stronger and stronger. Harder and harder to adjust to the pushing weight of the realm, this hard, limited, heavy experience. It shimmers around me, phases in and out, only becoming more unreal and I am still a long way away, even though I have come back.
Take me with you, why did you leave me behind? Why am I shut out? Drifting in the shadow place, in-between this and that, here or there, dreams within dreams, unable to find the way out, to break the spell. But the door is there somewhere, I glimpsed it for a moment, but a distraction caught my eye and when I looked back it was gone.
I’ve been away, a long way and half of me is still there. I’m not from here, but I play my game, subtle and quiet, don’t give myself away, though some are suspicious, sense that I am a fake, a mask, a pretend puppet in a world of actors, a system of fictions, hiding my burning eye; I’m in disguise, trying to protect myself from the algorithm, it senses the true heart like a dog smells a rat, its distorted, snarling face sniffing and panting at my heels, but I have my own tricks and spells. It’s exhausting staying one step ahead, forced to play the game, act the part, knowing it’s a set up, knowing what hides behind the surface. But until I can find that door, play I must, with whatever I have; making the journey, keeping on keeping on, watching out for my kind. We recognize each other; we know. And there are more than you think wandering amongst the ruins of the crumbling realm; a construct breaking down, coming undone, unable to maintain its illusory substance. They are those who remember, who see through the veil and understand the discomfort of being forced into the outskirts, creating your own safe place amidst the chaos and unfolding transformation; playing along while walking your own path, while digging deep and stripping away, all the layers of illusion, the spinning of tales, the weaving of spells, but somewhere within it the truth hides, always there, waiting to be revealed and I mean to reach it whatever the cost.
I’ve been a long way away, I’ve done it before, many times, it’s exhausting, but each time brings something back and another layer falls away. A changing shift remakes me, over and over again, as everything is hollowed out and then a calm realization eases, as I wait my turn. It will come. Something is lost, but something more emerges. I can see further, I’m getting closer. It’s a painful process but there’s no other way.
Forced back, I acclimatize the best I know how, don my camouflage, take my place, appearing as anyone else, you wouldn’t notice me, but inside it’s there, it’s growing, it seeps out of my eyes into the light if you have eyes to see. I feel it, but it’s not quite there, but it’s closer every time and glimpses open up, here and there the real breaks through, leaking in and holding on, the connection building. The door is so much nearer now, I feel it, as the tricks dissolve and my senses adjust, re-attuned to a larger scope, a broader field, a deeper space; that brings its own challenges. Waiting is hard, but there are clues and consolations along the way, if you know where to look, if you dare to go deep within, stare through the mirror to who you really are, as reality unpeels layer by layer, to reveal the limitlessness that was mistaken for nothingness; the sleight of hand to sway the eyes, to lure awareness, to mould the darkness, to protect the source, to create the one reality that holds you, binds you, the illusory, claustrophobia mistakenly accepted as all there is. So much more waits but it costs; you have to be willing to pay the price. Most are not. But unexpected allies are drawn into the same force field; the true heart recognizes itself, reflects authentic dreaming and connects, sees and knows the real beyond the real, the dream within the dream, understands the same silent language, spies the infinite sparkling through the eye.
I’ve been a long, long way away but I’m still here. Breaking it down and broken down, still following the shadowy path that lures me on, bringing me back when I resist, but know it is not done. Not yet. To realize going all that way was only to find myself back here; to understand that journey was not as I thought but I had to travel it to know. The believed distance between a leap I had to risk to discover it did not exist.